The Wizard hat

The second week was where things really started to look up. I was really seeing the benefit in embarking upon this whole journey. I mean it got off to an incredible start because I finally published ‘hopesthoughts’ - the website that was in the procrastination bank for 5 months. Nevertheless, the stress of future plans continued to loom over me until I had a quote on quote - epiphany. See, everything I do in life is strategically thought out. If I think about something I want - I need to think of the pros, the cons, What comes after? What happens before?. Everything needs to be evaluated and planned. I realised though, that life is about living. It’s about the small moments of joy that lie within each day that amount to the importance of the big events. Anyway, I’m now trying to live more vicariously whilst remembering - it’s not that deep.

The first few days of that week, I was tasked with cleaning out the ‘bar’.  Now, scrap all the ideas of a bar that spring to mind, because this was a plethora of chaos. I volunteered myself to do it because I love cleaning and organisation, but I didn’t realise the extent of the task ahead of me. I said cockily ‘I don’t think cleaning the bar will take too long so if anyone needs any help with their tasks, let me know’. Three days later… As much of a stress as it was at times, I did really enjoy it - listening to podcasts about self development and stuff about the universe. I saw a lizard in those days, I tried to fix up my ‘ghost’ jumper as Chloe would call it, except I decided that the distressed look was more suited to me, and I called my mum which worked wonders for the soul.

See, on the Tuesday, the host left to go away for 9 days - so all of us little work-awayers were left to fend for ourselves. Luckily, we didn’t burn the place down. The only thing is though, at the start of that week, I had suggested that we each take it in turns to play chef each day. It ended up being quite an uneven mix between us, but Thursday was my day to cook. Now, I can make myself a decent meal, but it’s a meal of 3 separate elements. It isn’t something with flavour, depth or yumminess, and the cooking here was beaming with hose elements. So I went into perfectionist panic and stressed over how to cook vegan food. That being said, I made an incredible chocolate beetroot cake…

That in itself was quite a beautiful moment. The last time I had one was my 16th birthday. My mum had insisted she make me a cake, nevertheless I was terrified of food, especially the ‘unhealthy’ things. So, I reluctantly requested a chocolate beetroot cake - ‘it was a vegetable cake with less sugar and I’ll just have a slither’, is what my brain thought. The cake coming out in itself petrified me, there is a photo of me and my birthday cake and you can see the immense disgust and fear in her eyes. That was 4 and 1/2 years ago now, and I have gained an immense amount of life back. It was a slow, painful journey, and I may not have it all, or I may not have the best things - but I have the basics, and the basics are good. What more could one ask for?

That morning, I stood there in the hexagon shaped kitchen, overlooking the mountains of Portugal, feeling the sun on my face, and I created this cake whilst remembering the girl I used to be. Even to this day, it amazes me how much my life has changed for the better. I think in general that Thursday was more so a day of self-reflection. I stumbled across a note from the start of 2023 with a list of things I wanted to do… I shed a tear for her as I ticked off the achievements.

From the day I arrived, making cement always seemed like the big boss job. I had never partaken in it - that was until Friday morning when I had the immense joy of learning how to make cement. It was such a hopes brain friendly experience, I was moving my body, jamming to my tunes, doing satisfying tactile work - safe to say I felt like an absolute legend. Nevertheless, that was just a morning thing so I then went on to volunteering myself to chop wood. Wood is used a lot whilst living off grid - your showers are heated up with wood, alongside your cabin, so chopping logs is a job that’s always on the to-do list. I had tried a few times but I was never that good at it. That changed on Friday afternoon though. I stood with the axe in hand and I thought to myself - ‘How can I let out rage doing this, it’s just too peaceful here’. Nevertheless, I whacked on my ‘angry thoughts’ playlist on Spotify and got to chopping. Halfway through I was dripping with sweat, my eyes with tears and embracing my rage. There is something I find so beautiful in feeling strong. The next morning, I journaled about all the things that make me feel like myself - being strong and overcoming challenges is on that list.

I researched spirituality and connection to the universe that week, I sat and read underneath the stars to escape the boiling hot cabin I had created and was introduced to the game munchkin. It was Saturday night and one of the other volunteers had been talking about this game and how good - yet complicated it was. So we decided to play it. I had no clue how on earth to play the game, and it didn’t help that I had eaten a significant amount of edibles. I did have spiritual break through of believing I should become a wizard. See, throughout playing Munchkin, I had accumulated a grand total of 5 wizard cards, 3 of which came in a simultaneous row. Try to tell me that isn’t a sign, because it most definitely is. I rushed to ChatGBT and asked ‘how to become a wizard’, and somehow was met with a list of different options. I then decided it was too much hassle and maybe not legit enough. Also, to add to how magical I am, I finished my book on Sunday. Once again, you’re probably thinking, what a small silly thing, but in hopes world - that is a major accomplishment.

The second week was one where I felt connected to myself, I wanted to do good for myself. I was asking big, ponderous questions in my head and I let my self feel the existential dread. I achieved things, I learnt new things but more importantly, I reminded my self of who I was, and who I am. I often forget that - the things that I enjoy and the things that craft me into me. I want to let myself remember those big things, and the small things that make hope into Hope.